It's kinda irritating how the past carrys so much power. You can never erase it, replace it, or change it at all. It holds memories that you wish you could just forget. It holds mistakes that you wish you could redo. I get so irritated thinking of what i could have done, should have done and wish i haven't done. There are too much "what if's" in my past that my future just doesn't feel right anymore.
But like that saying goes "the past is history, the future's a mystery, and right now is a gift that's why we call it the present." I can't stand the fact that I haven't applied to any of the colleges that I wanted to go to, that I didn't meet Junior before meeting all those other mistakes, that I have done things that I wish i could take back, but I gotta face the fact that the past is too powerful. I cannot erase it, replace it or change it. But I can be stronger and not let it get the best of me. I may not be super satisfied with where I am at in my life, but I still have time to change my future. Yeah so what if I am going to LCC! I can transfer in my second year. Or maybe the plans of a culinary degree could happen. & what if Junior met all those other girls before me, or vice versa. He's with me now (something my best friend keeps reminding me but I am too hard headed to listen) and we are sooooo happy together.
Let's not let life pass you by. Before you know it, you'll be graduating and life won't be as easy as it use to be.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Just a bunch of words
I must say, it's hard to be play easy
to live life the way you see it, and mean it
safety kit, just in case you need it
to bandage the scars so you don't have to see it
I'm a tough kind of girl living in a tougher world
and when push comes to shove, I hide in a curl
damn little girl, tryna live a life full of Godliness
sillyness, pittyness, shyness, well go ahead and hide this
the fact that you can't always run away
just to live another day, in that typical american way
so go ahead and hate the island that you call your home
this sand and rock in the middle of the ocean alone
damn phone, no signal so your sister's not answering
panicking, your mother starts wondering,
where you are, who you are?
don't know what you are.
tryna get somewhere but your life ain't going far
and now what are you gonna do?
run away cause that's just you
like i said, it's hard to play easy
making like life is easy, please me, tease me, cease the moment
until you realize this life is well spent
get it to your head, lying dead
end of story, nuff said
Friday, May 22, 2009
Remember when....
Last night after work I went to Junior's house. We walked around his neighborhood talking about his childhood past. We talked for 2 hours and walked around his block 3 times exchanging stories with each other. But both of us had the same favorite memory.
Remember when we went to barber's point? We layed on the sand under the stars naming a star after each other. Then we went walking along the shore. You say you wanted to hold my hand, but I don't believe you! Then I thought I saw a ghost so we walked back to the car. And when we walked back to the car, there were cops. We got busted for soliciting. The cop took down your name and ssn. Then he called me your girlfriend and took down my information. He thought I was 5 feet 7 inches O_O I ended up losing my cell phone and the cops helped us look for it. Haha.
Remember the next night we went to watch "Friday the 13th" on a wednesday. lol. We got a discount for being high school students. Before the movie even started I was already closing my eyes. You kept moving my hands away from my eyes, eventually lacing your finger inbetween mine. Before I knew it, I was in your arms and the movie wasn't so scary anymore. On our way to walmart we were singing in the car. You almost drifted off the road and I screamed, "pay attention!" With your smooth words you said back, "I can't when you're in the car."
The next day you told me you liked me and I admitted the same thing. Though drama erupted due to our feelings for each other, we didn't care. That night we went to geiger and layed under the stars once more. I was happy, you don't even know. Every night that we hung out that week, I came home with a huge smile on my face. Who would have known we'd be more than just friends.
Yeah, that was our favorite memory. There are many more like being your partner at Vicky's debut, plan job and sleeping during black friday, calling you when I was not myself that one night (lol), being in ms. wu's class, and many more. But that was when we were just friends. The moment we passed that best friend line was the climax of my memories. And oh man, each time I think back to it I can't help but smile.
Final Thought: I may have deleted my myspace and my twitter, but my memories will never be forgotten.
Remember when we went to barber's point? We layed on the sand under the stars naming a star after each other. Then we went walking along the shore. You say you wanted to hold my hand, but I don't believe you! Then I thought I saw a ghost so we walked back to the car. And when we walked back to the car, there were cops. We got busted for soliciting. The cop took down your name and ssn. Then he called me your girlfriend and took down my information. He thought I was 5 feet 7 inches O_O I ended up losing my cell phone and the cops helped us look for it. Haha.
Remember the next night we went to watch "Friday the 13th" on a wednesday. lol. We got a discount for being high school students. Before the movie even started I was already closing my eyes. You kept moving my hands away from my eyes, eventually lacing your finger inbetween mine. Before I knew it, I was in your arms and the movie wasn't so scary anymore. On our way to walmart we were singing in the car. You almost drifted off the road and I screamed, "pay attention!" With your smooth words you said back, "I can't when you're in the car."
The next day you told me you liked me and I admitted the same thing. Though drama erupted due to our feelings for each other, we didn't care. That night we went to geiger and layed under the stars once more. I was happy, you don't even know. Every night that we hung out that week, I came home with a huge smile on my face. Who would have known we'd be more than just friends.
Yeah, that was our favorite memory. There are many more like being your partner at Vicky's debut, plan job and sleeping during black friday, calling you when I was not myself that one night (lol), being in ms. wu's class, and many more. But that was when we were just friends. The moment we passed that best friend line was the climax of my memories. And oh man, each time I think back to it I can't help but smile.
Final Thought: I may have deleted my myspace and my twitter, but my memories will never be forgotten.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Regrets
So it's our last farewell/Mayfest assembly and I am in class. Who care's if it's our last. Last welcome back, last prom, last mayfest, last blah blah blah! I can't wait to graduate!
Don't get me wrong, I cherish my high school past. Last night I hung with Ron, Craig, Neil and Junior. We talked about the past; past memories, past relationships. All the good memories and the bad memories made me think: What did I regret doing or not doing in my high school life?
Sitting in class on my LAST mayfest made me realize that I regret joining clubs. Took up too much time, you know? Even all those times studying for honors and AP classes. I should have taken the easy way out with regular classes. Yeah okay, it made me a better person on terms with responsibility and stuff, but I could have gained all of that in the future. My whole high school past was on school. (Lol duh mailyn.)
I also regret forming friendships with the wrong friends. Most of my freshmen to junior year I hung with people older than me. Before that I had my friends now-- Dus10girls & KAC. I regret not spending my high school life with the ones that I would be graduating with. I regret meeting the office boys cause my life took a big U-turn from then on. I was under the influence, close enough to feel hell. I love those guys, I just hated who I was with them.
I kinda regret being in food service. While all my other friends were in saber media, I was in the kitchen. That's kinda the reason why I drifted from the real friends. I took a different path from them. I always seem to separate myself from them. (Like right now, they're probably taking pictures and having fun at mayfest while I blog) I'm happy that I took newswriting and got the chance to regain our friendship, but it's senior year. I was late by three years. -_____-
Yeah, because all these things didn't/did happen, I am who I am today. & that's one thing that I do not regret. Yet, was all the things I missed out or didn't miss out worth it?
Final Thought: Yeah It was.
Don't get me wrong, I cherish my high school past. Last night I hung with Ron, Craig, Neil and Junior. We talked about the past; past memories, past relationships. All the good memories and the bad memories made me think: What did I regret doing or not doing in my high school life?
Sitting in class on my LAST mayfest made me realize that I regret joining clubs. Took up too much time, you know? Even all those times studying for honors and AP classes. I should have taken the easy way out with regular classes. Yeah okay, it made me a better person on terms with responsibility and stuff, but I could have gained all of that in the future. My whole high school past was on school. (Lol duh mailyn.)
I also regret forming friendships with the wrong friends. Most of my freshmen to junior year I hung with people older than me. Before that I had my friends now-- Dus10girls & KAC. I regret not spending my high school life with the ones that I would be graduating with. I regret meeting the office boys cause my life took a big U-turn from then on. I was under the influence, close enough to feel hell. I love those guys, I just hated who I was with them.
I kinda regret being in food service. While all my other friends were in saber media, I was in the kitchen. That's kinda the reason why I drifted from the real friends. I took a different path from them. I always seem to separate myself from them. (Like right now, they're probably taking pictures and having fun at mayfest while I blog) I'm happy that I took newswriting and got the chance to regain our friendship, but it's senior year. I was late by three years. -_____-
Yeah, because all these things didn't/did happen, I am who I am today. & that's one thing that I do not regret. Yet, was all the things I missed out or didn't miss out worth it?
Final Thought: Yeah It was.
Monday, May 11, 2009
"stuck on my elavator"
This past weekend was prom. Prom is seriously such a hassle. For just a few hours of hanging with friends, I spent money as if it was air. Lol. I did my nails and man, you dont even know how hard it is for me to type this blog entry! O_O but the stay at waikiki was awesome. Hung with my boyfriend most of the time. Danced as if the night was never going to end. Sadly it ended. We didn't even take any group pictures though. Shitty deals. After prom, watched a movie and cuddled with my boyfriend in our hotel. Awesome night. The most interesting thing about this past weekend was the elevator rides.
Yeah, you read correctly. Elevator rides. If your planning to stay at waikiki, be prepared for the millions of elevators that you'll be getting on. Either that, or long walks you'll be taking just to find a decent food place to eat at 12 in the morning. Waikiki is filled with buildings, cars, tourist, hobos, and even more buildings. So it's a guarantee that you'll be getting on an elevator.
So my boyfriend and I spent most of our night on saturday in our prom attire. We definately caught many people's attention, especially me >;D Leaving our hotel room, we shared an elevator with a haole family. "oh well don't ya'll look gorgeous!" says one of the ladies. Thank you, we reply. "It this a prom?" Yeah, we reply. "Aw, well hope ya'll have a good time." We will, thank you. Lol, okay maybe not exact wording, but actually most of our elevator conversations were about prom. One family, as we were going up the elevator to get our car at the banyan, asked if we were getting married. Haha, very silly.
When prom was over, we rode down the elevator with a couple of seniors whom we barely talk to, barely even know. Different cliques I guess you can say. The nerds in one corner, the girl who should have been voted class clown in the other corner, the punk rocks in a corner, and Junior and I in the middle O_O Anyways, Our dumb elevator was acting up. Instead of going down, it went up. Not only that, it stopped at some weird levels where there wasn't even anyone there waiting! The long wait to finally get down to the first floor, however, gave us the opportunity to conversate about one thing: the damn elevator. A lot of swearing words coming from the punk corner, a lot of smart dictionary terms from the nerd corner and just a whole bunch of laughs thanks to the clown girl in the other corner. It felt weird, I could honestly say, knowing that we're probably not going to even make eye contact once those elevator door open to the first floor.
Although our hotel was walking distance from where prom was held, Jr and I drove. I was pretty exhausted and told him to drop me off in front of the hotel before he heads to find parking. I thought I could rest a while before going to my friend's hotel room, but sadly Jr was frustrated cause there was absolutely no parking and he wanted to go to the other hotel already. So I got dressed and headed down to meet up with him. The elevator doors opened and there were a whole bunch of Asians standing inside. Drunk, young Asians, probably early 20's laughing and making so much noise that I could hear them before the elevator even opened. I was just going to pass and let them move on to whatever level they were heading to, but one guy told him friends to make room and invited me in. They started talking to me, as if I was one of them. (Yeah okay we had the same kinda eyes but I didn't know shit about these people) One of the girls told her friends, "Ask her that question! The one we were talking about!" "Yeah ask her," her friends beckoned. The same guy that invited me turned to me and said, "would you dance with me?!" WTH? "I don't even know you!" were my exact words. They started laughing and were telling me that they wanted to cruise and stuff. haha, whatever. The elevator doors opened and I made a run for it (not literally of course, but I brisked) Crazy Asians. -_____- They were korean.
On Sunday as Jr and I were heading to the front desk to check out, I was checking out someone one else. >;D As we were heading down, there was this super cute local guy in our elevator. His shirt was off, he had nipple rings, and abs and a tattoo on his leg. I couldn't stop starring at his nipple rings. Lol. "Oh you guys had prom? Awesome! What school?" Campbell. "Awesome, senior prom?" Yeah. "Awesome, where at? Which hotel?" Pacific Beach. "Oh the one down the that side right?" Yes. "Awesome!" Yes. You. Are! lol. I didn't say that last part. Haha, & yeah I remembered that conversation very well. Haha.
Prom was fun. I wish that it didn't have to end so soon. Cause that means graduation is coming up. The real world is coming. And oh man, I am so not ready! I feel like my life is an elevator and I don't know what level to chose. Which way to go. Which is the right choice. So practically I'm stuck on my elevator. Just gonna sit here and wait til someone can fix my elevator. It seems like God is the elevator cameras, watching my every move yet there's nothing more He can do. No communication, what so ever. Ugh, forget this contemplating! I'm gonna enjoy what's left of my high school life.
Final thought: What's one thing people always ask when you walk into an elevator with other people? "What floor are you heading to?"
Yeah, you read correctly. Elevator rides. If your planning to stay at waikiki, be prepared for the millions of elevators that you'll be getting on. Either that, or long walks you'll be taking just to find a decent food place to eat at 12 in the morning. Waikiki is filled with buildings, cars, tourist, hobos, and even more buildings. So it's a guarantee that you'll be getting on an elevator.
So my boyfriend and I spent most of our night on saturday in our prom attire. We definately caught many people's attention, especially me >;D Leaving our hotel room, we shared an elevator with a haole family. "oh well don't ya'll look gorgeous!" says one of the ladies. Thank you, we reply. "It this a prom?" Yeah, we reply. "Aw, well hope ya'll have a good time." We will, thank you. Lol, okay maybe not exact wording, but actually most of our elevator conversations were about prom. One family, as we were going up the elevator to get our car at the banyan, asked if we were getting married. Haha, very silly.
When prom was over, we rode down the elevator with a couple of seniors whom we barely talk to, barely even know. Different cliques I guess you can say. The nerds in one corner, the girl who should have been voted class clown in the other corner, the punk rocks in a corner, and Junior and I in the middle O_O Anyways, Our dumb elevator was acting up. Instead of going down, it went up. Not only that, it stopped at some weird levels where there wasn't even anyone there waiting! The long wait to finally get down to the first floor, however, gave us the opportunity to conversate about one thing: the damn elevator. A lot of swearing words coming from the punk corner, a lot of smart dictionary terms from the nerd corner and just a whole bunch of laughs thanks to the clown girl in the other corner. It felt weird, I could honestly say, knowing that we're probably not going to even make eye contact once those elevator door open to the first floor.
Although our hotel was walking distance from where prom was held, Jr and I drove. I was pretty exhausted and told him to drop me off in front of the hotel before he heads to find parking. I thought I could rest a while before going to my friend's hotel room, but sadly Jr was frustrated cause there was absolutely no parking and he wanted to go to the other hotel already. So I got dressed and headed down to meet up with him. The elevator doors opened and there were a whole bunch of Asians standing inside. Drunk, young Asians, probably early 20's laughing and making so much noise that I could hear them before the elevator even opened. I was just going to pass and let them move on to whatever level they were heading to, but one guy told him friends to make room and invited me in. They started talking to me, as if I was one of them. (Yeah okay we had the same kinda eyes but I didn't know shit about these people) One of the girls told her friends, "Ask her that question! The one we were talking about!" "Yeah ask her," her friends beckoned. The same guy that invited me turned to me and said, "would you dance with me?!" WTH? "I don't even know you!" were my exact words. They started laughing and were telling me that they wanted to cruise and stuff. haha, whatever. The elevator doors opened and I made a run for it (not literally of course, but I brisked) Crazy Asians. -_____- They were korean.
On Sunday as Jr and I were heading to the front desk to check out, I was checking out someone one else. >;D As we were heading down, there was this super cute local guy in our elevator. His shirt was off, he had nipple rings, and abs and a tattoo on his leg. I couldn't stop starring at his nipple rings. Lol. "Oh you guys had prom? Awesome! What school?" Campbell. "Awesome, senior prom?" Yeah. "Awesome, where at? Which hotel?" Pacific Beach. "Oh the one down the that side right?" Yes. "Awesome!" Yes. You. Are! lol. I didn't say that last part. Haha, & yeah I remembered that conversation very well. Haha.
Prom was fun. I wish that it didn't have to end so soon. Cause that means graduation is coming up. The real world is coming. And oh man, I am so not ready! I feel like my life is an elevator and I don't know what level to chose. Which way to go. Which is the right choice. So practically I'm stuck on my elevator. Just gonna sit here and wait til someone can fix my elevator. It seems like God is the elevator cameras, watching my every move yet there's nothing more He can do. No communication, what so ever. Ugh, forget this contemplating! I'm gonna enjoy what's left of my high school life.
Final thought: What's one thing people always ask when you walk into an elevator with other people? "What floor are you heading to?"
Monday, May 4, 2009
Butterfly effect
So this blog is a continuation to my last blog. I think I ended saying that Jr and I were in my car and I was suppose to be home by 10 but it was already 11 and we just started eating. Well we didn't get down and dirty if thats what you're thinking. I'm not saying we're not like that though. Lets just say we take advantage of our time kissing than talking.
But that night we talked. I believe we didn't kiss execpt for saying goodbye. That same day during school, we were in mrs. quisano's class. Jr was doodling on a sheet of paper while we were both listening to his MP3 and I was Dj choosing the songs to play. Every song that I chose were songs that reminded me of our relationship. Some couples would have just one song that they called their own. Jr and I have a CD full of songs that we call our own. Actually, around our one month Jr burned me a CD of those songs. That was the CD that I took forever looking for that day we went to Grace bible. I couldn't drive without it! But I had to. -_____- It's funny. Songs that strangers who don't even know who we are wrote words in music that my heart longs to express. Lol Corny but for real! Every time I listen to "our songs" I get butterflies all throughout my body.
Well I got that same butterfly effect as I watched Jr doodle on his sheet of paper. It's not like I never did have this feeling with Jr before. Actually I always have this feeling with Jr. Every time I'm in the car with him, I'd turn my body to face him and just stare as he drives. Nothing else would run through my mind, NOTHING. As I watched Jr doodle a picture of our duck, Paul, I slowly caress his knee. It doesn't distract him from his concentration, but I don't care, that's not my intention.
I spot the song "Unbelieveable" on his MP3 and I press play. As Craig David sings that words that express how I feel that moment, I start to feel my eyes water. Yeah, I was going to cry. Big deal! I was on my period. I was emotional! But I had to suck it up, people were around us. We distant ourselves from our group of friends who were just a few feet away. They were talking about Prom, a conversation that Jr and I should have been apart of but we weren't. Not like it mattered. I was in my own world staring at him. That butterfly effect just didn't want to go away, until the bell rang.
So we're sitting my car, laughing, talking, smiling. And once again that butterfly feeling comes back. I don't even have to be WITH him to get that feeling. Talking to him on the phone is amazing. I mean, I get excited when I see his number pop out of my cell phone screen. And his voice is so sexy! Lol. Well I'm gonna have to get use to just hearing his voice. He's away for a competition and when he comes back I'll be out on an FCCLA showcase in windward side. Friday I have an interview with the senator and there is no school so I gotta finish prom stuff. We won't see each other til prom!
But my first day without him was pretty good. I'll tell you why....in my next blog. lol. I like how I'm keeping you curious! (;<
Final thought: Every cause has it's effect. Mines just happen to be catapillars hatching from it's cacoon.
But that night we talked. I believe we didn't kiss execpt for saying goodbye. That same day during school, we were in mrs. quisano's class. Jr was doodling on a sheet of paper while we were both listening to his MP3 and I was Dj choosing the songs to play. Every song that I chose were songs that reminded me of our relationship. Some couples would have just one song that they called their own. Jr and I have a CD full of songs that we call our own. Actually, around our one month Jr burned me a CD of those songs. That was the CD that I took forever looking for that day we went to Grace bible. I couldn't drive without it! But I had to. -_____- It's funny. Songs that strangers who don't even know who we are wrote words in music that my heart longs to express. Lol Corny but for real! Every time I listen to "our songs" I get butterflies all throughout my body.
Well I got that same butterfly effect as I watched Jr doodle on his sheet of paper. It's not like I never did have this feeling with Jr before. Actually I always have this feeling with Jr. Every time I'm in the car with him, I'd turn my body to face him and just stare as he drives. Nothing else would run through my mind, NOTHING. As I watched Jr doodle a picture of our duck, Paul, I slowly caress his knee. It doesn't distract him from his concentration, but I don't care, that's not my intention.
I spot the song "Unbelieveable" on his MP3 and I press play. As Craig David sings that words that express how I feel that moment, I start to feel my eyes water. Yeah, I was going to cry. Big deal! I was on my period. I was emotional! But I had to suck it up, people were around us. We distant ourselves from our group of friends who were just a few feet away. They were talking about Prom, a conversation that Jr and I should have been apart of but we weren't. Not like it mattered. I was in my own world staring at him. That butterfly effect just didn't want to go away, until the bell rang.
So we're sitting my car, laughing, talking, smiling. And once again that butterfly feeling comes back. I don't even have to be WITH him to get that feeling. Talking to him on the phone is amazing. I mean, I get excited when I see his number pop out of my cell phone screen. And his voice is so sexy! Lol. Well I'm gonna have to get use to just hearing his voice. He's away for a competition and when he comes back I'll be out on an FCCLA showcase in windward side. Friday I have an interview with the senator and there is no school so I gotta finish prom stuff. We won't see each other til prom!
But my first day without him was pretty good. I'll tell you why....in my next blog. lol. I like how I'm keeping you curious! (;<
Final thought: Every cause has it's effect. Mines just happen to be catapillars hatching from it's cacoon.
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