I never realize but it's already half way through lent! Wow. Lol.
Anyways, I was reading this person's blog and there was a part about appreciation. How this person didn't just want a 'thank you' but the kind of appreciation that would go for the long run. I guess this person meant a 'thank you' that is actually from the heart.
As I read this, I was thinking of another close moment I had on the retreat. During one of our sessions, we had to imagine how heaven was like. We closed our eyes and someone was interpreting a walk through heaven. I imagined myself walking through a normal city filled with cars, homes, shopping malls, trees, animals except everything was white. Then the interpreter said that Jesus came along. As soon as she said this, in my imagination a bright figure appeared wearing all white. At first I couldn't see His face. You know, Jesus with the long hair, long beard and whatnot. Well Jesus didn't look like that at all. The light started to dim a bit so I could see what Jesus looked like. He was light skinned, had braces, and a mohawk. He was my best friend.
Now it's weird because at the retreat I was able to see Jesus in everyone, except for my best friend. My best friend is the hardest person to see Jesus in. I can't see Jesus in him because I have this issue with my best friend with trying to get some appreciation from him. Not the kind of appreciation that the other person was talking about in their blog. I barely get a 'thank you' from my best friend. I mean, he wrote me a letter saying 'thanks for being my best friend' and I cried. I bawled out before I even read the letter! But when I went up to hug him, I felt no appreciation. Cause I wrote him a letter too. Yeah, it had a bit harsh words, but when I hugged him he said 'thanks for the mean letter.' Joke or no joke, I was hurt. Every other person that I wrote a letter to thanked and hugged me with so much love and emphasis put into, my best friend's appreciation felt like a needle in a hay stack: not even worth finding.
I've searched for some sorta appreciation from him. Then I realized that if you can't find something, then it must not be there. The person's blog got to me also. Why can't I appreciate myslef, impress myself? Ryan said that I am such a huge impact on people, but I barely give myself any credit. I'm too busy trying to get someone else's attention that I'm not even seeing how important my attention is to everyone else.
Though I'm going to say that I'm not going to let it bother me, I know it probably will. I've dealt with it for almost 3 years of my friendship with this person. Would you consider someone a best friend if you barely talk to them, let alone can't even be comfortable, make a cake for them and they give it to colorguard, and bring them to God when they don't even bring God to your friendship? I still do. I have faith that God has a plan for this person. I pray on it every night. Until then, thanks. Thanks for all who read my blog, thanks for those who are there when I need to talk, thanks for all who consider me as their friend, thanks to those who forgave me for my sins, thanks God for blessing me with wonderful friends. I really appreciate it.
Day 21: Matthew 6:3
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
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